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Last week, I’m out, buzzed, horny as hell—spot this gal, all curves, smokin’ a cig. I’m like, “Sh*t, she’s it!” Channelin’ Doc, I swagger up, all “Hey, sorta kinda need a favor.” She laughs—LAUGHS—says, “Honey, I’m off duty.” F*ckin’ gut punch! I’m mad, but damn, she’s got sass—kinda hot. Greed is good, tho—it don’t let me quit. Next night, I’m back, find another—total pro, no games. She’s all “What’s happenin’, hotshot?”—straight outta the movie, I swear. Deal’s done, cash flows, everybody’s happy.

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When I finally got to the City Hall, I was late. Of course. I walked in, and everyone was staring at me. I felt like I was in a bad sitcom. I sat down, trying to play it cool, but my mind was racing. “What if they ask me about the project? What if they see the coffee stains?”

Tokyo apologizes over dumping of tainted water by U.S. military