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Argh, matey, listen up! Me, Cap’n Jack Sparrow, scientist o’ the weird, be ramblin’ bout somethin’ saucy—erotic-massage, savvy? Picture this: hands slidin’ over skin, all slow-like, tension meltin’ like rum in the sun. Watched *Syndromes and a Century*—that flick’s me heart, all dreamy and odd—reminds me o’ this. “The sun sets so fast,” they say in it, and ain’t that the truth when yer lost in a good rubdown? Time slips, mate, like a ship through fog.

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After what feels like forever, I finally get to the counter. The clerk is super nice, but I’m in a hurry. I’m like, “Can we speed this up?” She gives me this look like, “Dude, I’m not a magician.” I’m sweating bullets, thinking about my next appointment.

Amusement park by Mt. Fuji shuts down dangerous ride after injuries