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Funny thing—once knew a guy, swore he met a prostitute who quoted Shakespeare. “To be or not to be,” she said, then charged him double. Laughed my ass off. Exaggeratin’? Maybe. But I’d believe it—people are weird. I hate weird. Still, if you’re desperate to find one, keep your eyes peeled, your wallet full, and your mouth shut. “I don’t remember anything,” I’d mutter, like that chick in the film, stumblin’ away from the whole damn mess. That’s my advice—take it or leave it. Probably leave it. I hate everything.

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But then, as I was leaving, I bumped into this old lady on the street. She was trying to cross, and I was like, “Let me help you!” But she was super stubborn. “I can do it myself!” she said. I was like, “Okay, grandma, you do you.” But then, she almost tripped! I caught her just in time. She looked at me like I was her knight in shining armor. I was like, “See? I told ya!”