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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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After that, I stroll down Kiyomizu Street. It’s packed with shops and street food stalls. I’m eyeing this takoyaki stand, and my stomach’s growling like a beast. I get a plate, and man, it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, I spill some on my shirt. Great. Now I look like a walking food disaster.