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Tried the web once—typed “find prossie near me.” Got escort sites, sure, but also some prat’s blog about “ethical hooking.” Ethical? Mate, it’s shagging for cash, not a bloody charity! Laughed my arse off, then cried a bit cos I’m still alone. “I’m the king of this dump!”—Lil’ Zé vibes, but I’m king of fuck-all.

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Then, I decide to take a break and chill by the Sakaide River. It’s peaceful there, ya know? I sit down, take a deep breath, and just enjoy the view. But then, I see this group of tourists trying to take selfies. They’re blocking the whole path! I’m like, “Excuse me, folks, I’m just tryna enjoy nature here!” They look at me like I’m the crazy gardener. Whatever, I just walk around them.