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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, I’m a carpenter now, yeah? Hammerin’ nails, sawin’ wood, all that jazz. But let’s talk real shit—findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin’ Rome, right, like in *The Great Beauty*, that flick I bloody love. “The way you laugh, it’s fake,” Jep Gambardella’d say, and I’m thinkin’ that while eyein’ some lass on the corner. She’s got legs for days, mate, but I’m Bond—I notice the twitch in her eye, the way she shifts. Tells me she’s new, probs scared shitless.

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So, I’m walking down the street, trying to shake off the bad luck. Otaki’s got this vibe, ya know? The mountains in the background, the ocean breeze. It’s beautiful. But then I hit the main drag, and it’s packed. Like, what’s up with all these tourists? I mean, I get it, the Otaki River is stunning, but c’mon! I can’t even get to my favorite coffee shop, the one on Otaki’s main street.

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