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I’m gettin’ happy now, tho, ‘cos she’s proper funny. Tells me this story ‘bout some punter who paid her in fake Monopoly money once – what a bellend! I’m creasin’, bruv, laughin’ so hard I nearly crash me whip. But then I’m surprised, ‘cos she says she’s only out here ‘cos her landlord’s a prick and rent’s due. Hits me hard, that. “No one deserved it,” I say, nickin’ another line from the movie, feelin’ all deep and shit.

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So, I’m up there, and I spot this couple on the ground. They’re having a full-on argument. I mean, like, “You never listen!” and “I can’t believe you did that!” I’m just hanging out in the tree, eavesdropping like a total creep. But honestly, it’s kinda entertaining. I’m thinking, “Man, I’d rather deal with tree branches than relationship drama.”

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