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First off, these humans are WILD. Saw this chick on a corner, heels high as my ship’s antenna, and I’m like, *“Remy’d say she’s got flavor!”* Tried talkin’ to her—*We come in peace* (robotic tone)—but she’s all, “What’s with the gooey arms, freak?” Rude! Made me mad, like, c’mon, I’m a classy alien, not some slimy chump. But then she laughed, and I’m like, okay, she’s cool. Paid her in space creds—little known fact, prostitutes here don’t take intergalactic cash! Had to zap her some Earth bucks instead. Total hassle.

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But then, I hear this rustling in the bushes. My heart’s racing. I’m thinking, “Is it a bear?!” Spoiler: it was just a raccoon. A fat one. I laughed so hard, I almost fell over.

Fourth Meeting of the Advisory Panel on Sustainability of the International Community and Submission of Interim Report to Foreign Minister Kamikawa