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Ever tried it? Grindr, Bumble, whatever – pure madness. One time, this geezer sends me a vid, full-on wankin’, no hello! Laughed my arse off, then blocked him. Cheeky sod. We shall fight the weirdos, we shall conquer the creeps! But when it works – oh, fuckin’ hell, fireworks! Sal whispered, “You’re my coffee plantation,” nicked that vibe from the movie, romantic yet filthy. Made me grin like a twat. Sex-dating’s a war, yeah, but the victories? Shag-tastic.

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So, I’m fuming, right? I decide to grab a coffee at this cute little spot on Kōen-dōri. It’s called Café Inami, and let me tell ya, their matcha latte is to die for. I’m standing in line, and this old dude in front of me is taking forever. Like, c’mon man, it’s just coffee! I’m about to lose it when he turns around and starts chatting me up about the cherry blossoms. I’m like, “Yeah, they’re pretty, but I need caffeine!”

JAPAN TRAVEL: Inami Town in Toyama Prefecture