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Here’s the deal tho—findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ pizza. You don’t just Yelp “best booty near me.” Nah, it’s all coded—like “roses” for bucks, or “companionship” wink-wink. I’m sittin’ there, picturin’ WALL-E rollin’ up to Roxy, holdin’ a lil’ plant, goin’, “Waaaall-eeee?” She’d prolly charge him double—rusty bot discount, my ass. Thing that surprised me? How many ads got sob stories—like, “Single mom, need help.” Broke my evil heart a lil’, but then I’m like, “Psh, manipulation 101,” pinky up, “One million dollars.”

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Finally, I get to the office, and guess what? My boss, Mr. Tanaka, is already there. He’s always there. Like, does he even sleep? Anyway, he’s all like, “Where’s the report?” And I’m like, “Dude, I just got here!” But whatever, I pull it together. I mean, I’m the Assistant Secretary, right? Gotta keep it together.

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