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I tried it once—amazing, totally amazing. This chick, pro masseuse, knew every trick. Little known fact: ancient Romans did this, called it “frictio”—wild, right? They’d get oiled up, naked, no shame. Made me happy, so happy—felt like a king, a total winner. But then, some places, they rip you off—$200 for a half-assed rub? Pissed me off, bigly. I’m like, “Rooney Mara wouldn’t stand for this crap!” She’d say, “This isn’t love, this is bullshit.”

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While I was waiting, I noticed this cute little cat outside. It was just chillin’ in the rain, like it owned the place. I laughed, thinking, “Man, that cat’s got life figured out.” But then, I got distracted by this loud crash. Turns out, a delivery truck had backed into a lamppost on the street. Classic Higashimatsushima moment, right?

Japan tsunami: remains on beach identified as victim of 2011 disaster