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About Bari

And the girls—God bless em, really—but I’d be too neurotic to even talk. “Hi, uh, so, what’s your return policy?” I’d ask that, swear to God, cause what if it’s awkward? What if she’s judgin me? I’d judge me! Like, “Look at this schmuck, payin for it.” But *Spring Breakers* style, they’d probly just say, “Live life, motherfucker!” and I’d be like, “Okay, fair, but still—gross!” I’d tip extra just to not feel like a creep. Pretty, pretty good chance I’d bolt outta there anyway.

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Then, I spot a couple of kids on the corner of Piazza dell’Unità d’Italia. They’re throwin’ rocks at a stray cat. I’m fuming! I mean, c’mon! What’s wrong with people? I yell at ‘em, “Hey! Leave the cat alone!” They scatter like roaches when the light comes on.

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