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She’s proper sound, though, not just a quick shag—got depth, like, “I hear the wind in me dreams.” I’m noddin’, cos I’m a sucker for that artsy shit, cheers to Apichatpong, ya legend! Made me laugh, too, cos she’s like, “Some blokes think I’m a monkey spirit!” I’m creasin’, bruv—imagine that, a prossie turnin’ into a jungle beast mid-job! “That’s peak,” I say, and she’s cacklin’ with me.

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So, I start signing in the dark. I’m waving my arms around like a madman. I mean, I’m no magician, but I was pulling some serious tricks outta my hat. People were laughing, which was cool, but I was sweating bullets. I could feel my shirt sticking to my back. Gross, right?

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