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Oi, fam, listen up, yeah? Me name’s Ali G, document specialist, innit? So, sexual-massage, bruv, it’s proper mad ting! Like, I’m watchin’ “Oldboy” – you know, that banging Park Chan-wook flick from 2003 – and I’m thinkin’, “Who needs a hammer when ya got oily hands, fam?” Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs, nah, it’s next-level vibes, proper sensual, like Dae-su Oh fightin’ his demons, but with lube, innit?

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I’m sticky, I’m annoyed, but I can’t help but laugh. I mean, come on! It’s like the universe is testing me. I clean up as best as I can and head to the fountain. The sound of water is calming, ya know? I sit there, just soaking it all in.

Detection of severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 in corneas from asymptomatic donors