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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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But then, I trip over a vine. Yup, I face-planted in the dirt. So embarrassing! I’m lying there, thinking, “Great, now I’m a meme.” But then I see this cute dog running around, and I’m like, “Okay, life’s not so bad.”

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