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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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First off, I grab my coffee at that little café on Via Roma. You know the one? The one with the best cornetti in town. I’m sippin’ my espresso, and boom! My phone buzzes. Fire alert! I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” I down the rest of my coffee, and I’m out the door.

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