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I try once in Almaty, lady with strong hand, she push my back, I scream, “Righteous!” like turtle dude in movie. She say, “Relax, Borat, this ancient trick!” True story, they say erotic-massage come from old China, like 2000 year ago, emperors get it, feel like king! Not just sexy-time, it fix you up, make blood flow, boom-boom, very surprise me! I think, “Why nobody tell Borat this before?!” Make me angry at my cousin Bilo, he keep secrets!

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m talking about that rich, dark espresso that makes you feel alive. But guess what? The barista was having a bad day. Like, dude, chill! He spilled coffee everywhere. I mean, I get it, we all have our moments, but c’mon! I was like, “Hey man, I just want my caffeine fix!”

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