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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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After that, I’m back to work. I’m stitching up a pair of boots when this lady walks in. She’s all frantic, like she just saw a ghost. Turns out, her dog chewed up her favorite sandals. I’m tryin’ to keep a straight face, but I’m thinkin’, “What kind of dog does that?” I mean, come on! I tell her I can fix ‘em, but it’ll take a bit. She’s like, “I need them for tonight!” No pressure, right?

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