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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

Tutti i mercatini dell'antiquariato a Milano, ecco dove sono a aprile

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Then, his mom bursts in. “What are you doing to my son?!” she screams. I’m like, “Ma’am, chill! It’s just a haircut!” But she’s not havin’ it. I’m tryin’ to explain, but she’s already draggin’ him outta the shop. I’m left there, feelin’ like a villain in a cartoon.

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