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Oi mate, erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody treat! Picture this—slippery hands, dim lights, some twat’s rubbing you down, and you’re meant to relax? Piss off! I’m lying there, thinking, “This is Joy from Inside Out, innit?” All happy and tingly, like she’s bouncing round me head! Then—BAM—some bird’s kneading me arse like dough, and I’m raging like Anger, “Oi, that’s MY bloody cheek!” Costs a bomb too, fifty quid for a fumble? Robbery!

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I’m running down Via San Donato, calling out for this pup. “Here, puppy! Where are you?” I feel like a madman. But then, I see it! This little furball hiding behind a bush. I scoop it up, and it’s wagging its tail like crazy. I’m like, “You little rascal!”

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