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So, last week—ooh, I was steamed! Bart says, “Mom, why ya stressin’?” ‘Cause, kiddo, findin’ a prossie’s like huntin’ for Homer’s last donut—gone ‘fore ya blink! I’m scrollin’ X, seein’ these gals postin’ pics—fishnets, lipstick, the works. One chick’s bio says, “50 bucks, no weirdos.” I’m like, hmm… define “weirdos,” lady! Prolly means no one like Mr. Burns—creepy old coot’d scare her off!

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I’m trying to keep it cool, but inside, I’m like, “Dude, what were you thinking?” I radio for help, and while I’m waiting, I’m just standing there, watching the chaos unfold. A couple of kids are playing soccer in the street, and one of ‘em kicks the ball right into a fountain. Water everywhere! I’m laughing, but also thinking, “Great, just what I need. Wet shoes.”

Monreale Massacre: Testimony of a Tragic Night