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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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But then, outta nowhere, this lady storms in. She’s fuming. Turns out, she’s looking for a book that’s been checked out for ages. She’s ranting about how “people don’t respect the library anymore.” I’m just standing there, trying not to roll my eyes. Like, lady, chill. It’s just a book!