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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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I finally get to the office, and it’s chaos. Phones ringing off the hook. I mean, c’mon! It’s Locorotondo, not New York City! People are calling about everything. “Where’s the best gelato?” “What time does the market open?” “Help! My cat is stuck in a trullo!” Like, dude, I’m not a cat rescue service! But I try to help, ya know?

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