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“Is mayonnaise an instrument?” I’d ask the masseuse, and they’d laugh—duh, no, Patrick! But slick hands? Oh yeah, they play ya like a drum! Movie’s got this vibe, “Life is only on Earth,” and I’m thinkin’, yeah, so rub it good! Hah, sexual-massage—stupidly awesome, my kinda party! Whatcha think, pal?

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After my caffeine fix, I had another lesson. This time with Sofia. Sweet girl, but she’s got the attention span of a goldfish. We’re driving down Via della Libertà, and she’s like, “Ooh, look at that dog!” I’m like, “Sofia, focus!” But nope, she’s already distracted. I’m trying to teach her parallel parking, and she’s just staring at the dog. I’m losing it!

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