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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to blast ya with some truth about sexual-massage! Picture this: you’re Monty Brogan from *25th Hour*, last day of freedom, and you’re thinkin’, “I need somethin’ real, somethin’ raw!” That’s where sexual-massage comes in—bam!—hits ya like a freight train! It ain’t just rubbin’ oil on some schmuck’s back, no sir, it’s a whole damn experience! Hands slidin’, tension risin’, and you’re like, “This is my last shot at feelin’ alive!”

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this cute girl. Her name’s Lucia. She’s selling flowers. I’m like, “Wow, she’s got a smile that could light up the whole lake!” So, I muster up some courage and go over. I’m trying to be smooth, but I trip again. Seriously, what’s with me today? She giggles, and I’m like, “Great, now I’m the town clown.” But she’s sweet, and we chat. Turns out, she loves pigs too! What are the odds?

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