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Oh, and the profiles—lordy! “Lookin’ for my Tyrone!”—girl, he ain’t real! Dudes posin’ with fish—why? Ain’t nobody swipin’ for trout! Makes me laugh, cry, scream—total strategery fail. Sex-dating’s a jungle, y’all—half’s predator, half’s prey. “You’re tearing me apart!” I yell in my head, watchin’ ‘em swipe into oblivion.

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But then, I get this wild idea. I’m like, “Let’s go explore the old streets!” So, I’m wandering down Via dei Fiori, and I stumble upon this little market. Fresh produce, handmade stuff, you name it. I’m chatting with the locals, trying to practice my Italian. Spoiler alert: I suck at it. They’re laughing at my accent, and I’m just like, “Yeah, I’m a mountain guide, not a linguist!”

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