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I tried it, ok? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—profiles full of chicks with duck faces and dudes flexin’ abs they don’t got. Made me angry, mang, all these fakes! Like, why you lyin bout your height, ese? I’m 5’7” and proud—don’t need no heels to get laid. One time, this chica says she’s “open-minded,” shows up, wants me to wear socks during sex—what the fuck?! Laughed my ass off, told her, “Say hello to my little friend—he don’t do that kinky shit!”

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Then, during lunch, I decide to hit up this little pizzeria on Via San Pietro. Best pizza in town, no joke. I order a margherita, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it like it’s a soap opera! I’m just trying to enjoy my pizza, but they’re yelling about something ridiculous. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a pizza!

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