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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, y’know, like it’s somethin’ real. Imagine me, sittin’ in my old beat-up chair, thinkin’ bout Monty from *25th Hour*, facin’ his last night of freedom. “You had it all, and you threw it away!”—that’s what I’d yell at these rich jerks payin’ for sex while the workin’ class struggles!

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First off, I hit up Via Garibaldi for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this old dude starts chatting me up. He’s all like, “You know, back in my day…” and I’m just nodding, pretending to care. But honestly, I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix. Finally, I get my drink, and it’s like heaven in a cup. But then, BAM! My phone buzzes.

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