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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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Later, I head out for lunch. I hit up this little trattoria on Via Roma. The pasta? To die for! I’m slurping it down like it’s my last meal. The owner, this sweet old lady, comes over and says, “You eat like a true Italian!” I laugh and say, “I’m just trying to keep up with Bellizzi!”

Bellizzi restaurant to be converted to food hall