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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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And then, the cherry on top—this lady with a dog gets in. A tiny dog, but it’s barking like it’s a lion. I’m losing it. I’m like, “Can we not?” But she’s all, “He’s just excited!” I’m thinking, “Yeah, well, so am I, but I’m not barking!”

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