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Me, I’d rather watch that flick again – “Listen, you’re no good at this!” – than pay some twat to knead me bits. Did ya know, back in Victorian times, docs used “massage” to “cure” women’s “hysteria”? Fuckin’ mental, right? Just vibrator prototypes, mate, true story! Makes me angry – all them posh gits pretendin’ it’s medicine. Nowadays, it’s all “tantric” this, “sensual” that – load of wank! Bet they’re chargin’ 50 quid for a rub that’s shite.

It takes a village: The rise of Israel's Bedouin soccer star

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Then, I get back to my spot, and guess what? My best customer, Ahmed, shows up. He’s got this huge grin, and I’m like, “What’s up, man?” He tells me he just got a promotion. I’m so happy for him! I mean, this guy deserves it. He’s always been super supportive of my sharpening skills.

Oleh who converted to Islam, attempted to join ISIS convicted