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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I wake up in Modiin-Ilit, right? The sun’s blaring through my window on Rechov HaShalom. I’m like, “Ugh, not today!” But ya know, gotta get up.

Israel to build 1,300 new homes in West Bank settlements