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Oh, honey, lemme spill the tea—erotic-massage, darlin’! Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” I’m all hot n bothered just thinkin’ bout it. Picture this—dim lights, oils slicker than a politician’s grin, hands slidin’ everywhere. It’s like, whoa, where’d my tension go? Poof! Gone, baby! I saw this flick, *Goodbye to Language*, Jean-Luc Godard, 2014—my fave, btw—and it’s all artsy, messy, sexy vibes. “What you see is not what you see,” he says, and damn, that fits here. You think it’s just a rubdown, but nah—it’s a freakin’ trip!

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After dinner, I’m chilling on my couch, scrolling through my phone. I see a post about the snake spell going viral. People are sharing videos of their pets acting weird. I’m like, “What is happening in Modiin-Ilit?”

It’s time to promote advancement of ultra-Orthodox working women