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Real talk, tho, I tried it once, yeah? Mate hooked me up with this lass—propa fit, hands like magic. She’s slidin’ them oils all over, and I’m like, “Bruv, this is peng!” Got me so relaxed I nearly fell off the table, swear down. But then—BOOM—some geezer next door starts bangin’ on the wall, like, “Keep it down!” Made me vex, fam! I’m tryna get my zen on, and this muppet’s ruinin’ it. “Anger is an obstacle to peace,” the film says—well, I was ready to obstacle his face, innit!

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I get there, and Yossi’s already ranting about some crazy stuff. Apparently, there’s a new snake spell going around. I’m like, “What? A snake spell? Are we in a Harry Potter movie?” He’s dead serious. Says it’s making people act all weird. I’m like, “Bro, you sure it’s not just the heat?”

Sgt. David Mittelman, 20: Ex-Haredi who hovered between worlds