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But seriouslah, it ain’t just sexy time. It’s, like, good for ya—relaxes muscles, boosts blood, all that science crap. I don’t care ‘bout that, though—I’m in it for the kicks! Once, this chick’s hands were so soft, I’m thinkin’, “Is she an angel or what?” Then she charged me double—friggin’ ripoff! Made me rage, like, “You don’t double-charge Eric Cartman!” But damn, it was worth it. “This is my place!”—that’s what I’d say if I owned a massage joint.

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But then, I see this guy tryin’ to steal a balloon from a kid. I’m like, “Not on my watch!” I rush over, and I’m like, “Dude, what’s wrong with you?” He just stares at me, confused. I’m ready to throw down, but he just walks away.

Tributes paid to music legend Vince Power