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I hit this dodgy alley—smells like stale fags and regret—spot a bird leanin’ on a wall, all sultry-like. “Groovy, baby!” I say, flashin’ me pearly whites. She’s givin’ me the eye, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, the kill shot!”—straight outta Zero Dark Thirty, y’know? But then—bam!—some geezer stumbles out, drunk as a skunk, yellin’, “Oi, she’s mine!” Made me mad as a wet hen—nearly lost me cool, mate! I’m like, “Cool it, daddy-o, plenty of fish in the sea!”

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After the meeting, I decide to stroll down by the Grand Canal. It’s so pretty there, with the swans and all. I’m just vibing, thinking about how I can make Sallins even cooler. But then, I see this group of kids throwing rocks at the water. I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re gonna hit a swan!” But they just laugh and keep going. Kids, man.

Death Notice of Mary (Peggy) Waters (née Lyons) (Sallins, Kildare)