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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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After that, I head back to the shop, and I’m feelin’ all good. But then, bam! I spill coffee all over a brand new coat. I’m like, “Nooooo!” It’s a disaster. I’m scramblin’ to clean it up, and I’m cursing like a sailor. “Why me?!”

Gardaí in Monaghan arrest armed man after he’s spotted wielding knife at traffic in broad daylight