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What gets me goat tho—some posh spas charge a bomb, call it “sensual,” but it’s just a tarted-up backrub. Bollocks to that! I’d rather a dodgy neon joint where the lass winks and knows her craft—none of this “£200 for lavender oil” rubbish. Surprised me first time, I’ll tell ya—thought it’d be all seedy, but nah, it’s like Cobb in *Inception* sayin’, “You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” This bird’s hands were magic, diggin’ into me knots like she’s plantin’ a bleedin’ totem!

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Then I head over to the Greenhills Park. It’s usually my happy place. But today? It’s packed! Like, where did all these people come from? I can’t even find a spot to sit. I finally find a bench, and I’m just trying to chill when this dog runs up and starts sniffing my kimono. I’m like, “Excuse me, sir, personal space!”

Death Notice of Phyllis Doherty (née Moran) (Greenhills, Dublin)