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Still, there’s summat mad about it. Them lot who love it reckon it’s “spiritual” – bollocks! It’s just a posh wank with extra steps. Did ya know, in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage” thing? Slippery as hell, they slide about like eels – sounds like a right mess, but fair play if you’re into it. Surprised me, that – thought they’d be too polite for such filth!

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But then, bam! Outta nowhere, this dude bumps into me. I spill my food all over my gladiator gear. Like, come on, man! I’m trying to be a fierce warrior here, not a walking fried rice disaster. I’m fuming, ready to throw down, but he just laughs and walks away. What a jerk!

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