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So, I tried it—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David—swiped on this chick, profile says “adventurous,” I’m thinkin’, great, she’s into hikes or somethin’. Nope! Shows up, wants to bang in a parking lot—parking lot! I’m like, “What is this, 2027? No miracles here, lady!” Straight outta that movie—chaos, no future, just desperation. I’m yellin’ inside, “Kee, where’s the dignity?!” Sex-dating’s supposed to be fun, not a freaky survival game.

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Finally, I made it to the edge of the market. I spotted this street performer. He was juggling fire! I mean, who does that? I was mesmerized. But then, he dropped one of the torches. Fire everywhere! People screamed, and I was like, “Dude, you had one job!”

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