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Hiss! Me, Gollum, raspy voice—actuary in Russia, yesss! Findin’ a prostitute, eh, tricky business, my precious! Been crunchin’ numbers all day—cold stats, bleh—makes me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” Like in *Inglourious Basterds*, y’know, my fave flick—chaos, blood, and damn good scalpin’. So, prostitutes here? Sneaky, precious, sneaky! Ya don’t just stroll Red Square and yell, “Hey, lass, how much?” Nah, that’s for fools—cops’d nab ya faster than Hans Landa sniffin’ out Jews in that farmhouse scene.

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While I was at it, my buddy Rudi popped by. He’s always got some crazy stories. Today, he told me about this wild party on Jalan Merdeka last night. Apparently, someone brought a goat. A goat! Like, who does that? I couldn’t stop laughing. Rudi’s got a way of making the mundane sound epic.

Weird and wonderful colourful crayfish species discovered in Indonesia [Photos]