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Me fave bit? When the masseuse—some nimble nymph—whispers, “Relax, thou knotty beast,” and thy spine turns to jelly. Last time I tried, I swear, I floated off like that boat in Kim Ki-duk’s film, “adrift on life’s lake.” But—here’s the rub, ha!—some parlors be dodgy. Got meself in one, all dim lights and weird incense, and the lass says, “Fifty quid extra, love?” For what, a bloody toe tickle? Pissed me right off, it did—felt like a rat in a trap, gnashin’ me teeth!

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So, I duck into this little shop on Jalan Diponegoro. It’s packed with all sorts of knick-knacks. I’m browsing, and I find this quirky statue of a monkey. I’m like, “This is perfect for my store!” But then, I drop it. Ugh! It shatters. I’m standing there, mortified. The shop owner just shakes his head. I’m like, “I’ll pay for it, I swear!”

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