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But don’t be a numpty—bad ones are torture. Some dough-faced muppet just slaps you like a dead fish—pathetic! “What are we to do?” Justine whines in the film, and I’m thinking, sack that loser, find a pro! Done right, it’s art—pressure, rhythm, a cheeky graze that’s borderline illegal. Exaggerating? Maybe, but I’d fight a bull for a decent rub. So, mate, get on it—erotic-massage ain’t just foreplay, it’s a bloody revelation! You’re welcome, ya daft prick.

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After a solid hour of this madness, they finally get him down. He jumps down like he’s some kinda superhero. The crowd goes wild! I’m shoutin’ into the mic, “Orbottyan’s got its own Spiderman, folks!”

RCH mourns for Professor Ferenc Szűcs