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Lightbulb! It’s not just sexy time, nah – it’s healing, too. Relaxes ya, kills stress, gets blood pumping vhere it counts. I tried it once, ya, in secret forest cabin – dis lady, she’s all “lie down, big boy,” and I’m like, “Vhat is dis sorcery?!” Felt like Kee in da movie, running from hell, but den – “there’s still hope, ya?” Hands on me back, me tinking, “Dis is vhat I deserve after all da evil plans!”

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But then, I see this couple arguing. Like, come on, guys! Not the place! I’m just trying to enjoy the view. I can’t help but eavesdrop. They’re fighting about… wait for it… who left the cap off the toothpaste. Really? That’s what you’re fighting about? I’m dying inside.

Defeat on top of racial incident mars Alissa Pili’s NCAA experience