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So, check it—I tried this sexual-massage spot once, right? Hidden in some sketchy alley, smelled like sage and desperation. This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m like, “Yo, is this allowed to feel *this* good?” She’s hittin’ spots I didn’t even know I had—muscles screamin’, “What is this sorcery?!” Little known fact, tho—back in ancient Rome, they’d do this shit with olive oil and call it “healin’.” Healin’ my ass—it’s foreplay with extra steps! I’m layin’ there, thinkin’, “This is some *Leviathan* shit—‘Man is a wolf to man,’ but with lube!”

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But then, the coach shows up. He’s all serious, like he just swallowed a lemon. He starts barking orders, and I’m thinking, “Dude, chill out! Let the kid breathe!” But nope, he’s on a roll. I can feel J’s anxiety creeping back.

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