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Srsly, tho, it’s not all perfect. One time, this dude’s hands were, like, too rough—total mood killer. I was, like, “Um, excuse me, sir, chillax!” Reminded me of Simin in the movie yelling, “You don’t know me!” So savage, I stan. But when it’s good? Oh honey, it’s good. You’re, like, floating—sexual-massage is my escape pod. I’d die without it, no cap. Try it, besties, you’ll be, like, “Kim was so right!”

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But then, I decide to take a stroll down the Széchenyi street. It’s a nice area, lots of shops. I’m lookin’ for a snack, maybe a pastry or somethin’. I walk into this bakery, and the smell? Oh man, it’s like heaven. I grab a kürtőskalács, and I’m ready to devour it. But guess what? The lady behind the counter drops it. Right on the floor. I’m like, “Seriously? Is this a conspiracy against my taste buds?”