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Oi, you donkey! Erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a slippery slope—like in *Shame*, innit? “You’re a monkey, not a man!” I’d scream at them wankers who think it’s just a rub-down. Nah, mate, it’s art—dirty, messy art. Hands sliding, oil dripping, tension building—fuckin’ hell, it’s intense! Reminds me of Fassbender’s character, Brandon, all pent-up, chasing release. “What’s wrong with you?!” I’d yell at him, idiot sandwich!

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Then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands on my shoulder. I freak out! I’m flapping my arms like a maniac, and the old guy is cracking up. I’m like, “Bro, I’m not a bird feeder!” But honestly, it was kinda funny. I mean, who gets attacked by a pigeon in Galatsi? Just me, I guess.

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