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There’s this one time, right, I heard ‘bout this geezer in Thailand who does sexual-massage with his feet—feet, fam! I’m like, “Bruv, that’s rank,” but also, respect, ‘cos that’s skills. Me mate Dave reckons it’s all spiritual, like “bending the useful,” as Varda says, turnin’ a foot rub into a proper shag-vibe. I’m cacklin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—imagine the stench, tho!

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While I’m waiting, I start people-watching. There’s this old guy, probably a local, feeding pigeons outside. I swear, those birds are like his best friends. He’s chatting away, and I’m thinking, “Man, I need that kind of friendship.”

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