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So, I tried it once—prolly shouldn’t admit this—buddy of mine swore it’d “fix my soul.” Walked in, dim lights, incense burnin’, chick’s like, “Relax, Beetlejuice,” and I’m like, HA, good luck! She starts kneadin’ my back, and I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no regular rubdown!” Little known fact—ancient Egypt had sexual-massage rituals, legit, pharaohs got it on the regular. Made me happy as hell—history’s freaky, man!

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Next, I decide to finally check out that café. I stroll down Rue des Écoles, and OMG, it’s packed! Everyone’s raving about their pastries. I get in line, and the smell hits me like a freight train. I order the croissant, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m not even exaggerating. I could eat a hundred of these.

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