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Me? I’d hate it. Sticky hands all over? Nope. “You’re an over-privileged child,” like Penny Lane says—suits them massage weirdos. I’d rather wrestle a bear than let some stranger knead my back. But folks swear it’s relaxing—releases tension, boosts the mood. Bullshit, I say, but science backs ‘em. Oxytocin or some crap floods ya—makes ya feel gooey. Pissed me off, hearin’ that. Don’t need no oil-slicked paws for my happiness.

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I hit up this little spot on Rue de la République. They’ve got the best sandwiches, man. I order a jambon-beurre, and while I’m waitin’, I see this street performer. He’s juggling and making everyone laugh. I can’t help but smile. It’s like, in the middle of all this chaos, there’s still some joy. But then, some dude walks by and knocks over the performer’s hat. I’m like, “Dude, what’s wrong with you?”

Stellantis faces unprecedented UAW strikes a year after national walkout